Starting nursery is a big change for a young child, but it is also a significant adjustment for the rest of the family. New drop-off times, unfamiliar adults, different meals, changing sleep patterns and the emotional weight of leaving your child can make the first few weeks feel much bigger than expected.
Some children walk into the nursery room and begin playing almost immediately. Others cry at every drop-off for several weeks. A child may appear completely settled during the first few days and become upset later, once they understand that nursery is now part of their regular routine.
None of these responses automatically tells you whether nursery is going well. Settling is rarely a straight line, and a difficult morning can sit alongside a happy, secure day.
This guide explains what parents can do before the first session, what to expect during the first month and how to work with nursery staff when something does not feel quite right.
Before the first day: make the unknown more familiar
Young children do not need a detailed explanation of everything that will happen at nursery. They do benefit from hearing a simple, consistent version of the plan.
You might say, “After breakfast, we’re going to nursery. You’ll play with Sarah and the other children. I’ll come back after your afternoon snack.” This gives your child a sequence they can begin to recognise without making promises about how they will feel.
For a very young child, photographs can be more useful than a long conversation. Look at pictures of the entrance, playroom, garden and key person if the nursery provides them. Walk past the building occasionally and say its name. If you have attended a settling-in visit, refer to something your child noticed there: the wooden train, the fish tank or the small slide in the garden.
Older toddlers and preschool children may enjoy practising the routine through play. A teddy can go to nursery, wave goodbye, eat lunch, have a rest and be collected again. Keep the story uncomplicated and let your child decide what happens. Play can reveal the parts of the experience they are thinking about without turning the activity into a lesson.
Avoid building nursery up as a place where your child will definitely have the best day ever. They may enjoy it, but they may also feel worried, tired or unsure. A calmer message is usually more helpful: nursery is a safe place where familiar adults will care for them, and you will return.
If you are still making the final decision about a setting, our practical guide to choosing a nursery explains what to look for during a visit and how to compare different options.
Share the small details that help staff care for your child
Nursery staff need formal information about allergies, medical needs, emergency contacts and permissions. The smaller details matter too, particularly during the first few weeks.
Tell the child’s key person how your child asks for water, what tiredness looks like and which words they use for the toilet, comforter or family members. Explain whether they prefer to be held when upset or need a little space before accepting comfort.
A child who says “baba” may be asking for a bottle, a banana or a grandparent. To a parent, the meaning is obvious. To a new practitioner in a busy room, it may not be. A short list of family words can prevent frustration while staff learn to understand the child.
It is also helpful to describe your child’s current routine honestly. If naps vary from day to day, say so. If your child will eat pasta at home but refuses it everywhere else, that is useful information. Staff are not expecting a perfectly predictable child.
Think beyond preferences and mention recent changes. A new baby, house move, family separation, bereavement or disrupted sleep can affect how a child responds to nursery. You do not have to share private detail that is not relevant, but enough context can help staff interpret behaviour more sensitively.
Where a child has allergies, medication, a health condition or additional needs, make sure the necessary plans are agreed before the first independent session. Do not assume that information given during an initial enquiry has reached every person who needs it. Ask who has recorded it, where medication will be kept and how temporary or agency staff will know what to do.
The relationship works both ways. Invite the key person to tell you what they discover. Your child may use different ways to settle, sleep or join play at nursery, and that information can help at home too.
Prepare belongings without sending too much
Nurseries usually provide a list of what children need. Follow the setting’s guidance because storage space, food arrangements and outdoor provision vary.
Most children will need comfortable clothes that can cope with paint, water, food and outdoor play. Several easy-to-change layers are often more useful than one smart outfit. If your child is toilet training, send more spare clothes than you think will be necessary during the early weeks.
Label everything, including shoes, coats, bottles, comforters and the bag itself. Many families own the same popular cups and waterproof suits, and young children do not always recognise their belongings reliably.
A familiar comfort item can help bridge home and nursery if the setting permits it. This might be a small soft toy, blanket or family photograph. If the object is irreplaceable, consider whether an identical spare can be kept at home. Losing the one special rabbit at the end of a tiring nursery day is difficult for everyone.
Avoid packing valuable toys or adding treats without checking first. Nurseries may have policies designed around allergies, choking risks and fairness between children. A full bag of “just in case” items can also make it harder for staff to find the things your child genuinely needs.
Check the bag each evening during the first month. Wet clothes can disappear beneath unused spares, items, forms may be sent home and supplies such as nappies may need replacing sooner than expected.
Make the first drop-offs short, warm and predictable
The goodbye is often the moment parents worry about most. It can be emotional even when a child appears completely comfortable.
A short ritual gives the child something predictable. You might hang up the coat together, say, “I’m going to work now. You’re staying with Amira, and I’ll come back after tea,” give one hug and wave from the door.
Try not to slip away without saying goodbye. It may prevent tears at that moment, but it can make the child watch you more anxiously on future mornings because they do not know when you might disappear.
Long, uncertain departures can be difficult too. Returning for another hug several times may unintentionally tell the child that you are unsure whether it is safe to leave. Once a practitioner has received your child and you have said goodbye,, it is usually best to follow through.
This does not mean being cold or dismissing feelings. You can acknowledge them: “You don’t want me to go. It’s hard to say goodbye. Jamie will look after you,. I’ll come back after lunch.” The aim is to be both loving and confident.
If your child is crying, ask the nursery how and when it will update you. Some settings can send a brief message once the child is calm. Agreeing this in advance is better than repeatedly calling while staff are helping children through the morning transition.
Many children stop crying shortly after a parent leaves, but not all do. If drop-off remains intensely difficult or your child stays distressed for long periods, speak to the key person about adjusting the plan. Our detailed guide, My Child Cries at Nursery Drop-Off: What Can Parents Do?, looks more closely at separation, goodbye routines and signs that further support may be needed.
What the first week may look like
The first week is often mainly about observation and relationship-building. Staff are learning how your child communicates, what captures their interest and how they respond when hungry, tired or uncertain.
Your child may behave differently at nursery than at home. A toddler who normally sleeps only in complete darkness may nap beside other children. A confident talker may remain quiet while taking in the new environment. A child who eats a wide range of foods at home may initially accept only bread or fruit.
These differences are not necessarily problems. Children adapt their behaviour to different environments, just as adults do. It takes time before nursery staff see the full range of a child’s personality.
Do not be surprised if your child appears happy at collection and then has a large emotional release at home. They may cry over a small frustration, want to be carried constantly or resist the evening routine. Some children hold themselves together in a new environment and release the effort once they are back with a trusted parent.
Nursery can also be physically exhausting. Even a child who is used to busy playgroups is processing new voices, smells, expectations and social situations. Earlier bedtimes, quiet evenings and fewer weekend commitments may help during the first few weeks.
An easy first day does not guarantee an easy second week. At first, nursery may feel like an interesting visit. A child can become more reluctant once they realise that the separation will happen regularly. This delayed reaction is common and does not mean that the placement has suddenly failed.
Expect changes in sleep, appetite and behaviour
During the first month, routines can become temporarily unsettled. A child may nap longer at nursery, refuse to sleep there or fall asleep on the journey home. They may eat two portions of lunch at the setting and reject dinner, or barely touch nursery food while eating constantly at home.
Try to look at the overall pattern rather than judging one day. Ask what was offered, what your child ate and how they seemed at the table. A phrase such as “didn’t eat lunch” could mean they refused everything, or it could mean they ate fruit and yoghurt but not the main meal.
Sleep discussions also benefit from detail. Ask when the child fell asleep, how long they slept, where they rested and whether staff woke them. If a long afternoon nap makes bedtime very difficult, work with the key person on a reasonable adjustment rather than demanding an immediate change after one unusual day.
Behaviour may become more intense at home. You might see more clinginess, frustration, night waking or requests for help with things the child previously managed alone. This can be a temporary response to change. Offering connection and predictable routines is generally more helpful than treating it as deliberate regression.
At the same time, not every change should be dismissed as “just settling”. Speak to the nursery if your child is persistently exhausted, very hungry after every session, unusually withdrawn or showing distress that increases rather than gradually easing.
For babies and children who cannot describe their day, watch the whole picture. Do they relax when they see their key person? Are there moments of play and curiosity? Can staff describe what comforted them? Are they beginning to anticipate parts of the routine? These details can be more informative than whether they cried at the door.
Build a useful relationship with the key person
A child’s key person is an important link between home and nursery, but the relationship takes time to develop. At first, conversations may feel brief, especially during a busy drop-off when several children need support.
Share urgent or emotionally important information directly. If your child slept badly, is worried about something or has a change in medication, do not assume it will be noticed in the app. Use the nursery’s agreed communication route and check that the message has been received.
At collection, specific questions tend to produce more useful answers than “Were they good?” Try asking what your child enjoyed, who they spent time near or how they managed at lunch. With very young children, asking how they were comforted can tell you a great deal about the developing relationship.
Staff may not be able to give a long account at the doorway, particularly if they are supervising other children. If you need a proper discussion, arrange a call or meeting rather than trying to resolve a complicated concern during handover.
Remember that digital updates show only selected moments. A nursery that uploads fewer photographs is not necessarily providing less attentive care. Practitioners also need to be present with children rather than documenting every activity.
Trust should grow from a combination of what staff tell you, how they respond to questions, what you observe and how your child behaves over time. Parents should feel able to raise concerns, while staff should be able to describe the day honestly rather than feeling pressure to present every session as perfect.
Help home and nursery routines work together
Home and nursery do not need to operate in exactly the same way. Children can understand that lunch happens at one time at nursery and another time at home, or that one adult settles them with a song while another uses a story.
The aim is not complete consistency. It is enough for the important parts of the child’s day to make sense.
During the first month, keep mornings as calm and repeatable as reasonably possible. Prepare clothes and bags the night before. Allow more time than the journey normally requires. A rushed departure can make separation harder, particularly if a parent is visibly anxious about being late.
If another family member will sometimes handle drop-off or collection, introduce that routine clearly. Make sure the nursery knows who is authorised to collect and understands any password or identification arrangements.
After nursery, some children want to talk immediately. Others need food, physical closeness or quiet play before they can reconnect. Avoid putting pressure on a young child to report what happened. “What did you do today?” is a large question when a day contains dozens of small experiences.
You might instead comment on something you know: “I heard you played with water outside,” or “Your key person said you helped make playdough.” This allows the child to respond without feeling tested.
Preschool children may say that they did “nothing” or that nobody played with them, even when staff observed a busy day. Young children remember and organise experiences differently from adults. Take what they say seriously, but gather context before reaching a conclusion.
How to tell whether your child is beginning to settle
Settling does not mean a child never cries or always wants to attend. Even a securely settled child can have difficult mornings after illness, a holiday, poor sleep or a change at home.
Look for small signs of growing familiarity. Your child may recognise the route, reach towards a practitioner, know where their cup belongs or begin to mention another child’s name. They may accept comfort from staff more readily or become absorbed in play sooner after you leave.
A useful early sign is that practitioners are beginning to know your child as an individual. They can tell you that your child prefers the small garden, laughs during action songs or watches an activity for several minutes before joining. These observations suggest that staff are looking beyond basic care tasks.
Consider progress across weeks rather than comparing your child with somebody else. One child may wave goodbye confidently on the first day. Another may need a month before entering without being carried. Temperament, age, previous experience and the number of weekly sessions all affect the process.
Children who attend only one day a week may take longer to build familiarity because there is a long gap between sessions. A difficult Monday after six days away does not necessarily mean the child dislikes the setting.
Ask nursery staff how your child is doing after you leave, not only how they behave at the door. A child who cries for three minutes and then plays comfortably is having a different experience from one who remains distressed for most of the morning.
When to raise a concern
Most settling difficulties improve as relationships and routines become familiar. Parents should still trust themselves enough to ask questions when something feels wrong.
Raise a concern if accounts are repeatedly vague or contradictory, if staff cannot explain how your child is comforted, or if agreed care arrangements are not being followed. Unexpected injuries, repeated lost medication, poor communication around allergies or unexplained changes in behaviour require proper attention.
You should also speak to the nursery if distress remains intense, lasts for long periods during sessions or becomes worse over several weeks. The response may be to shorten sessions temporarily, use a familiar activity at arrival, involve the key person more consistently or review whether the current attendance pattern is helping.
Begin with curiosity rather than accusation where possible. You might say, “Bedtime has become very difficult on nursery days, and she seems extremely tired. Can we compare what you are seeing and look at her nap routine?” This establishes the problem clearly and invites the setting to share useful information.
If the issue is not resolved informally, ask for a meeting with the room leader or manager. Keep notes of dates, what happened and what was agreed. For a serious safeguarding concern, use the nursery’s safeguarding and complaints procedures rather than waiting for a routine review.
Sometimes a good nursery and a caring family are simply struggling to find the right arrangement. A particular room, schedule or setting may not suit every child. However, changing nursery is a significant step, so try to understand the cause of the difficulty before assuming that a new placement will automatically solve it.
A realistic first-month timeline
Every child settles differently, but it can help to think of the first month as a period of gradual adjustment rather than expecting a clear result after two or three sessions.
The first few days
The immediate priorities are safety, comfort and familiarity. Staff are learning your child’s cues, while your child is learning that these new adults can meet their needs. Keep home life relatively quiet if possible and expect tiredness.
At the end of each session, exchange the most useful information rather than trying to review the entire placement. Did your child eat, sleep and accept comfort? Was there an activity that caught their attention? Is there anything staff need for the next day?
The end of the first week
Some patterns may be emerging, although they are not yet fixed. You might notice that one drop-off method works better or that your child needs a substantial snack on the journey home.
This is a good time to correct small practical problems. Add more spare clothes, clarify collection arrangements or remind staff about the particular word your child uses when they need help. Do not wait until a minor irritation becomes a larger frustration.
Weeks two and three
Children often begin to understand that nursery is recurring. Some become more confident, while others show a delayed emotional response. Continue the same clear goodbye even if protests increase.
Ask staff about your child’s engagement after separation. Are they exploring more of the room? Do they seek out a familiar practitioner? Are they watching or joining other children? Progress may be present even when the doorway remains difficult.
By the end of the first month
There should usually be a clearer picture of how your child is managing, although they do not have to be completely settled. Arrange a fuller conversation if the nursery does not already offer one.
Discuss what your child enjoys, what remains difficult and whether the current sessions, sleep arrangements and communication methods are working. Agree on any changes and when you will review them.
The first-month conversation is also an opportunity to share positive feedback. If a practitioner’s calm welcome has helped your child or a particular activity is talked about at home, let the team know. Specific appreciation strengthens the partnership just as much as constructive questions do.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take a child to settle at nursery?
There is no standard period. Some children appear comfortable within a few sessions, while others need several weeks or longer. Age, temperament, previous separations and how frequently the child attends can all affect settling. Look for gradual progress rather than expecting all tears to stop by a particular date.
Is it normal for my child to cry at every drop-off?
It can be normal during the early weeks, especially if the child settles shortly after you leave. Ask staff how long the distress lasts and what happens next. Persistent distress throughout the session, or distress that becomes increasingly severe, should be discussed with the key person or manager.
Should I stay until my child stops crying?
Usually, a warm but brief goodbye is easier than extending the departure. Follow the settling plan agreed with the nursery. If the current approach is clearly not helping, discuss changing it rather than making the goodbye longer without a plan.
What if my child does not eat at nursery?
Some children eat very little while adjusting to a new environment. Ask exactly what was offered and what they accepted, then look at the pattern over several sessions. Tell staff about familiar foods, but avoid creating pressure around eating. Seek advice if intake remains very limited or affects your child’s health and energy.
Why is my child behaving badly after nursery?
Young children may release tiredness and strong emotions once they return to a safe, familiar adult. This can look like tantrums, clinginess or refusing simple requests. A snack, a quiet journey home, closeness and an earlier bedtime may help. Persistent or extreme changes deserve a conversation with the nursery.
Why will my child sleep at nursery but not at home?
The environment, background noise, daily activity and presence of other sleeping children can create different sleep cues. Children are capable of learning more than one routine. Ask how staff settle your child and see whether any part of their approach could be useful at home.
Should I send a comforter from home?
A familiar object can help, particularly for younger children, but check the nursery’s policy. Label it clearly and consider using a replaceable or duplicate item. Staff may gradually help the child keep it in a particular place once they feel more secure.
What should I ask at collection?
Specific, open questions are most useful. Ask what your child enjoyed, how they were comforted, whether they slept and what they ate. If staff are busy supervising children, arrange another time for a longer discussion.
Is it normal for my child to become upset after initially enjoying nursery?
Yes. During the first sessions, nursery may feel like an interesting visit. A child may protest later when they realise it is a regular routine involving separation. Continue offering a predictable goodbye and ask staff how the child behaves after you leave.
Can I change my child’s nursery sessions during the first month?
Possibly, depending on availability and the provider’s terms. A different pattern may help some children, but frequent changes can make the routine harder to learn. Discuss the reason with the key person before altering the schedule.
What if I realise the nursery is not right for my child?
First, identify the specific concerns and discuss them with the manager. Some problems can be resolved through better communication, a different key-person approach or an adjustment to sessions. If serious concerns remain or the setting cannot meet your child’s needs, review the contract, notice period and alternative childcare options.
When should I apply for childcare funding?
Application dates depend on your child’s age and the entitlement you are claiming. Working parents must normally obtain an eligibility code before the relevant term deadline and reconfirm their details every three months. Our guide to childcare funding in England explains the application periods and available schemes.
The first month at nursery is not a test that a child either passes or fails. It is the beginning of a new set of relationships. There may be tears, tired evenings and moments when you question the decision, alongside new words, favourite activities and growing confidence.
Keep the routine clear, share information openly and judge progress over time. Your child does not need to love every goodbye to feel safe and happy at nursery. What matters is that they are gradually learning who will care for them, what happens during the day and that you always come back.
